Picking up again after too long and too much water under the bridge.
J is gone.
I was there with her sister when her time came. It was hard … but I was glad. I had promised her I would be there.
I think she knew I was there. When we went in to stay with her at the end, her sister told her I was there. Her labored breathing seemed to ease for a short while.
I hope she knew. I hope it brought her some comfort and helped her on her way.
The funeral was small …. mostly family and some friends. He sister played a tape with one of her songs … “Another Turnaround”. The service was Roman. Not exactly aligned with my theology. One moment stood out rather starkly. The Deacon was talking about J standing before God contrite and penitent. Huh? Not how I see it. In my mind I saw J standing before God … and she sang for Him … and He smiled and welcomed her home.
I miss her.
My new patient is …. different.
J was …. easy. A quiet facility with a gentle caring staff. J was in the depths of EOA … but she knew when I was there. I would talk to her a bit … but mostly we just sat together and listened to her favorite music. And some of mine. Music always reached her. It was in her heart … her soul.
S is aware … communicates…. recognizes me.
Her short-term memory is severely degraded. The first time we met she spent most of the hour repeating requests for food / cookies and asking when dinner was. She surprised me, though, by crossing herself and saying a little prayer of thanks when I told her who I was and that I would come to visit on a regular basis.
The facility is different. Larger. More an “assisted living” facility. More people. More activity. People able to come and go … sit outside and smoke. And the staff, by necessity, a bit more disciplinarian. With reason … they need to ensure the safety of their charges.
Feels more … tense … tough.
For a while I had doubts about what I was doing and why.
Did it matter that I was there? Did it make a difference in their lives? Did it shine some light into their / the world? Did I really have the heart for this?
I was doing this in part driven by my “huge heart” and desire to … help? …. heal? …. comfort? And in part to find who and what I was / am. The years I spent “working for the man” and doing all the right things has … been temporarily interrupted by being laid off. Time to re-evaluate. I find myself on the one hand feeling that I have been handed a fantastic opportunity to live my life more from my heart and soul. And on the other well and truly betrayed / screwed. Never mind the circumstances.
Then I decided that, at least for now, it mattered that I told her I would come. It was for her. I don’t know what it means to her … but I decided that I would show up and be present. That’s all I really have to give. Just show up and let the Divine do the rest.
And things changed. She remembered me. Was really happy to see me. Was more present … spoke of her son and his wife … owning a pet store … the coming holiday … the weather … her favorite sports team. And of course food and cookies. And she was so happy I came to see her. Took my hand and thanked me when I left.
Perhaps this is a part of my reason for being. We shall see.
Starry Wisdom 